How to Choose a Therapist?

Almost everyone who thinks about psychotherapy asks at some point: How do I know if a therapist is good for me? This is a really important question, and it makes total sense to ask it. Therapy is a serious investment of our time, our energy, and our money. But more than that, it’s an emotional investment. You’re opening up your inner life—your doubts, your insecurities, your private struggles. That can feel incredibly vulnerable. So, of course, you want to make sure you’re in good hands.

If you Google “how to choose a therapist,” or ask your AI chatbot, you’ll find lots of advice. Most of it boils down to three big questions:

• Is the therapist competent? Do they have the training, credentials, and experience to practice safely and effectively?

• Does their approach match what I’m looking for? For instance, if you want very practical, solution-focused skills, then even the most experienced psychoanalytic therapist might not be a good fit—you’d be better off with someone trained in CBT or counseling.

• What’s my gut feeling? Do I feel safe with this person? Can I imagine opening up to them?

These are solid guidelines. They help set the minimum bar for what you should expect. But here’s the thing: those checklists are mostly about what you can know before therapy starts or after maybe just one session. In real life, it usually takes a bit more time to figure out whether the therapy—and the therapist—are truly right for you. Sometimes the most important information comes out only once you’ve been in the room for a while.

So here, I want to share seven ideas to reflect on once you’ve actually started therapy. These are not just checkboxes, but more subjective, personal reflections based on your own firsthand experience with your therapist. They draw on recent scientific findings about what makes therapy effective, my clinical experience as a therapist, and also insights from Dr. Neville Symington’s 2020 book, How to Choose a Psychotherapist.

1. Be Open to Your Own Limitations

Let’s start with you. Whether you want it or not, you’ll always bring your own worldview, assumptions, and relationship patterns into the therapy room. And that’s not a problem. In fact, in psychoanalytic therapy, that’s exactly what’s supposed to happen.

For example, you might find yourself thinking: “My therapist isn’t as smart as I hoped,” or “She doesn’t seem warm enough.” Those impressions matter. They’re important signals to pay attention to. But here’s the twist: sometimes, those reactions say just as much about you as they do about your therapist.

Let me give you an example. Suppose you’ve often felt in life that people don’t really listen to you. Maybe as a child, your parents were distracted or dismissive. It wouldn’t be surprising if you start to feel the same way with your therapist—even if she’s actually listening very carefully. That’s not to say your impressions are wrong, but they might be colored by your past experiences.

So my suggestion is: don’t rush to judge. Give it a bit more time, maybe a few more sessions. And, even better, talk openly with your therapist about these doubts. A good psychoanalytic therapist should welcome that kind of honesty. They’ll help you explore what part of this feeling is about me as your therapist, and what part comes from your own inner world? That exploration itself can be deeply therapeutic.

2. Look for Signs of Change

Another thing to reflect on is: Am I actually changing?

And by change, I don’t mean that every problem is solved after a few sessions. But do you notice small shifts? Maybe you leave a session thinking about something in a new way. Maybe you find yourself reacting differently to a situation that would normally upset you. Or maybe, even if you feel a bit stirred up or uncomfortable, you sense that something is moving inside.

Sometimes, good therapy doesn’t feel cozy in the moment. It can feel challenging. But over time, you should notice that you’re understanding yourself better, and that your relationships and moods are shifting—even if slowly.

If you leave every session feeling exactly the same, with no new insights or perspectives, that could be a sign to reflect on whether this therapy is really helping you grow.

3. Consider the Therapist’s Training and Experience

Now, let’s talk about the therapist. Training matters. Experience matters. But one thing that makes psychoanalytic therapy unique is that almost every psychoanalytic therapist has gone through their own therapy.

That’s huge. Why? Because it means they’ve sat in your chair. They’ve struggled with their own doubts, defenses, and blind spots. They know firsthand how tough it can be to open up. And they’ve had to face their own inner conflicts before helping others with theirs.

So, when you’re reflecting on whether someone is right for you, ask yourself: Does this person seem to have done their own inner work? Do they speak from a place of self-reflection, or do they just hand out advice? A therapist who hasn’t looked inward will have a hard time helping you do it.

4. Notice the Work Happening in the Room

Here’s another important point: what actually happens during sessions?

A therapist who is a good match doesn’t just soothe you, repeat what you said, or hand you advice like a checklist. They help you notice hidden meanings. They connect the dots between what you’re saying now and what you’ve said before. They sometimes challenge you—even if it’s uncomfortable—because that’s how growth happens.

And equally important: they’re emotionally engaged. You can feel that they’re affected by you, but not overwhelmed. They’re present, they care, but they’re not trying to be your best friend or your rescuer.

Therapy is a bit like learning to ride a bike. If your therapist only pats you on the back and says, “You’re doing great,” you’re not going to learn much. If they yell at you or grab the handlebars, you won’t learn either. But if they stay alongside you—steady, thoughtful, occasionally pointing out when you’re wobbling—you start to ride on your own.

5. Pay Attention to Their Moral and Emotional Stance

This one is subtle but important. When you bring up troubling behavior—say you snapped at your partner, or you lied to your boss—how does your therapist respond? A good therapist won’t rush to smooth things over with, “Oh, don’t be too hard on yourself.” And they also won’t jump to condemnation: “That was terrible; you shouldn’t have done that.” Instead, they’ll help you sit with your discomfort, to really feel and understand it.

In that way, they support your conscience without shaming you. They encourage you to take responsibility for your actions, but they don’t let you simply shift all the blame onto others. This balance—neither judgmental nor indulgent—is one of the hallmarks of a therapist who can really help you grow.

6. Tune Into Your Inner Sense

Beyond all the details, there’s your deeper, gut-level sense. Do you feel understood? Do you feel that your therapist gets you—not just your words, but your inner experience?

This doesn’t mean you’ll always feel comfortable. Sometimes you’ll feel challenged, even annoyed. But underneath that, do you feel there’s hope here? Do you sense that this person can really help you change?

That inner compass is important. If, session after session, you feel no sense of being understood, or you feel hopeless, then it might be time to reconsider.

7. Don’t Chase Perfection

Finally—and this is a big one—don’t fall into the trap of looking for the perfect therapist. Searching for the “perfect therapist” is like searching for the “perfect partner”: at some point, it’s the relationship you build that matters most.

If you tend to be a perfectionist in other areas of life, chances are you’ll bring that same attitude into therapy. You might find yourself thinking, “This therapist isn’t good enough; maybe there’s someone better out there.” And sure, sometimes that’s true. But often, that feeling is part of the very pattern you need to work on.

In fact, some of the most meaningful work in therapy begins when you realize your therapist isn’t flawless, isn’t a magical authority figure—and you can still have a powerful, healing relationship with them. That said, if someone claims their method works for everyone, or that they can help all patients equally well, that’s a red flag. The truth is, therapy is a deeply personal process. It depends not only on the therapist’s skills but also on the unique chemistry between you and them.

So, to sum up, finding out if a therapist is right for you isn’t just about credentials or first impressions. It’s about what happens once you’re in the room together. It’s about giving the process time, noticing the shifts, and paying attention to both your own reactions and the therapist’s stance. You don’t need the perfect therapist—you need a therapist with whom you can do meaningful work.